Thursday, July 16, 2009

In which I invite Tyra Banks to Sit the F*ck Down and STFU

Dear Tyra Banks,

First off, I would like to congratulate you on parlaying your career as a model into a television empire. I applaud you for encouraging young girls to have positive self-image and for refusing to slink away in shame when pictures of you looking a little lumpy in a bathing suit surfaced a couple of years ago. Well done.

I admire your drive and ambition and I think that you have many qualities that qualify you as YUPB Icon candidate.

However, there is just something about you that rubs me the wrong way, and by "rubs me the wrong way", I mean makes me want to rip my ears off of my head and eat them whenever I hear you screech "FIERRRCE!" from my television. I don't know where it started, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that you do things like this:

Oh snap, see what I mean?

Anyway, I understand that you aspire to be the next Oprah Winfrey. Before you go chasing that dream (read:delusion), let me offer you some friendly advice:

Stop condescending to people on your show. You claim to be a champion of women, yet I have seen you purposely humiliate unsuspecting women on your show more than once. Case in point:you badgered Kim Kardashian about her sex tape even though she was there to talk about her reality show. I don't know where you and your mighty forehead get off being all judgemental and imperious; may I remind you, you posed in various states of undress in numerous magazines over the course of your career as a model. You took off your clothes for money. Kim made a tape of her sexay times with her boyfriend, which she was doing for free, not for profit. You do not have the moral high ground. Next:

Mastering the art of "smiling with your eyes" does not a journalist make. You do not have the training, credibility or intelligence to be anything remotely like Oprah. You do, however, have the training and intelligence to be a histrionic narcissistic hypergelast(see word of the week). And, let me tell you, you are excelling at that.

So, Tyra, it is for these reasons that I would like to cordially invite you to Sit the F*ck Down and STFU (Maybe you would like to do this in a journalism class. Couldn't hurt, just sayin'...).

Triple Snap,



Anonymous said...

OMG was she DRUNK?!?!

Anonymous said...

"YOU AND YOUR MIGHTY FOREHEAD!! I love it. I totally agree with that whole, I wish she would stop pulling the "oh, that was kind of like when this happened to me..." and then proceeds to tell a story about how she ate a donut on a train while someone is talking about some horrific moment in their life. THAT IS NOT THE SAME. Donuts do not equal trauma!!"

Anonymous said...

Wow!!! I didn't think she could get anymore annoying and ridiculus...I guess I was wrong...Next thing you know she will turn her show into a female version of Jerry Springer!

Anonymous said...

Wow. I couldn't even finish watching that.

Although, I have to say, if she is aspiring to be Oprah, she may have succeeded. I find Oprah JUST as annoying. Mind you, I have never watched an episode of Tyra, so perhaps I'm hasty in that conclusion. Check this out:

Anonymous said...

That was over the top! What self-respecting woman rolls around on the floor over vaseline. GIVE ME A BREAK!
Go back to the trailer park, Tyra. You ain't got nothin' on Oprah.

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