Thursday, August 20, 2009

Identity Crisis: Shabs Jones?

Darlings, forgive me for the hiatus, but I have just returned from world's most insane interprovincial road trip. I promise, I'll never leave you like that again. We good? Great. Love you more.

Okay, before I get started, let me just throw this one down: Vegas is Satan in municipal form. If you plan to travel, go somewhere (ANYWHERE) else.

Moving on...

Lord help me, YUPBs. I am trying to buy a house this week and it is a jungle out there. Apparently, the real estate market has recovered just in time for Mufti and I to purchase a house in one of the most expensive markets in the country.

House shopping is most definitely an exercise in restraint, which has never ever been my strong point. I am exceedingly sorry to tell you that I have found myself nose to nose with perhaps the biggest dilemma facing a Young Urban Professional Bitch.

I think Willie Shakespeare posed the question best when he wrote:

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...

Or, as pertains to my case: To keep up with the Joneses or not to keep up with the Joneses. That is the question. And, in this story, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune are vanity and greed. More specifically, my vanity and greed.

Because here's the thing: while I didn't grow up wealthy, I certainly didn't suffer materially. We were middle class. Sure, I did some coveting, but who hasn't? That said, I am not a materialistic person nor have I ever been. My husband has cited this very attribute as one of the main reasons he married me. I don't really care about things so much as about experiences and have never put down "be filthy rich" on my life to-do list. Furthermore, I often openly mock people who need other people to know how much money they have or people who are ultra-secretive about how much money they have/make. I really think that level of seriousness on the subject is pretentious. Yet, there I was, agonizing not about the price of the house or the location but mostly about what other people would think of it and whether the house would accurately reflect where we are financially.


That's right boys and girls, throw me a comb-over and an extended length reality show that nobody gives a f*ck about because I have officially entered a level of douchebaggery reserved for the Donald Trumps of the world. I am a greedy white man. I am the female version of Dick Cheney. If this experience were a vintage Super Mario Brothers game, my outlook on it would be the warp zone to Social Climbing Bitch Land.

The thing is, I know that you are never supposed to admit that kind of thing out loud, which is precisely the reason I'm doing it. Because, while I know that those things don't really matter, I can't help but care about them all of a sudden. It was a huge eye-opener to realize that I actually give a shit about this kind of nonsense.

I think I know where it came from, too: living in Alberta. 

You see, one of my major problems with living in the wild rose province is that the government and many, many individuals I've met here (most, but not all) seem to think that money is the most important thing in life. If you have more money than the next person, it makes you better than them, so they seem to think. Albertans value money over much more important things: the environment, health, truth. If you think I'm wrong, just look at the effects of the oil sands and the way most people defend them, as if the money they generate excuses anything at all.

So, I'm running for my life and hoping that a return to my kinder, gentler home province of B.C. will erase my newfound love of money. However, if you see me driving around in a jacked up diesel truck with testicles hanging off the back hitch, just do me a favour and lobotomize me.


Anonymous said...

It's true, it's so easy to fall into "keeping up with the Joneses". Albertans are famous for giving the "look-down" (I know you know what I meean) when your car isn't fancy enough, your house isn't fabulous enough, your diamond isn't big enough. As long as you and hub are happy with what you have eff everyone else and what they think.

Anonymous said...

I guess it's the greedy ones that make a bad name for the rest of us. Don't stereotype Shabs!! Sometimes I wish I could say that I'm not really from here (Alberta) but the truth is, I am. I didn't choose where I was born and even though there are things about this province (which you will find ANYWHERE you go) that irk me and make me want to provoke a natural disaster to cleanse us of the fucktards I see on the idiot box and in the "news" papers, I have to admit that I too, do consider myself to be one of the riches people I know. But not rich like you think. This is going to sound cheesy but there's no other way to say it - my wealth is my family and my friends and my community. When my parents grow old and pass on, and I have taken care of them as they have me, I may move on too. It's true, there are a lot of money-hungry, delusional, egotistical creeps that run this province that give our geography a bad name. But someone has to stand up for the goodness too. Guess that will be me!

PS. See ya in BC in 5 years hahahahaha!

Shabs said...

Like I said, most, but not all.

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